Archive for August, 2012


Recently, it occurs to me that my depression is like being bullied by my internal dialogue. When I get into a deep blue funk as I am now, I just can’t help obsessing on all sorts of negative thoughts. I’ll also analyse minor issues well beyond any point where it would be useful. A simple comment can set off days of over thinking it and usually with a conclusion that is very introverted and negative.

I often yell in my head, trying to tell my brain to just SHUT THE FUCK UP!

My brain rarely obeys for more than a brief period.

It doesn’t help that I have lots of time to think. My hours are long and my work monotonous. This leaves plenty of time for my internal monologue to beat up on my ego.

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I give up!

Today, I had an epiphany.

About ten years ago, I accepted the idea that I may never have a romantice relationship again. I’d been alone for so long that the likelihood of a significant relationship was slim to fuck-all. Once I gave up on love, I relaxed and I started to enjoy myself.

Well, today I had another epiphany.

It’s time for me to give up friendship just as I gave up love.

Just as I never had a truly close romantic relationship, I’ve never had a really close friend. I’ve had friendly relationships with many folks, but I don’t believe I’ve ever had a REAL friend. I’ve had “Friends For Now”, or “Friends at this bar”, or People-I-See-Often, but I’ve never had anyone in my life that would go out of their way to be with me. LITERALLY.

 

This may seem overly sentimental, or dramatic, but it’s true. It’s been that way my entire life. I’ve always been peoples “friend when I’m there”, but once I’m out of sight, I’m out of thought. 

Even when I was a little kid, the only reason any of the other kids came to my house was because I had a big yard to play in.

I was too shy for a girlfriend, and I was too shy for any friends. 

So, now that I realize the obvious, I have to find a way to cope with it. If  past history is any indicator, I should maybe cheer up… maybe?

Acceptance is… oh, fuckit! I’ve got no friends, I’ve never had friends, why should I expect this to change.

I gave up on love, now it’s time to give up on friendship. Relax and enjoy this life and stop expecting otherwise!

[UPDATE] Two weeks later… So far, I think this was a wise choice. I believe I’m now crawling out of the pit I was in. I’m not nearly as self obsessed and dour. However, this week I can’t really guage well because I’ve had a rather annoying and disturbing headache…. for 6 days straight. Considering that it was a three day headache combined with crossed-eyedness that preluded my “tumor years”, this development is a bit distracting.

Maybe it’s me

I’ve dealt with depression on a personal level for more than thee decades in one form or another. Today, I was confronted with a deep personal flaw. I make others feel intellectually inferior. I don’t mean to, but apparently I do inadverntly. More importantly, I’ve been doing so for some time.

I’m an Asshole!

I don’t mean to be, but I have to consider that I can come across that way. This incident began with me playfully, (I thought) correcting someone’s spelling errors. Of course, this was online where my impish grin wasn’t visible and I didn’t use the proper emoticons. Nonetheless, I came across as if I was trying to show that I was smarter than the other person, condescending. That wasn’t my intention, of course, but that’s how it went.

I’m not sure this will be something I can easily remedy. After all this time, my personality is pretty much set. But I will have to keep it in mind that I can be a dick, even when I’m not trying to be.