Category: Grappling with the Beast


One day…

 

Not any day soon, but one day…

I’ll be truly alone. What is left of my family will be gone and I’ll be alone. I’ll find some way to carry on for some time. However, knowing myself as I do, I have to consider the likelihood that I’ll end my own life. Depression will get the best of me.

 

Tonight a thought occurred to me: If I do choose to end my own life, will I do it while I’m depressed or manic?

Will I end the pain or end on a high note?

 

I’d like to think I’d do neither, that I’d continue to explore life, travel, find adventure… 

but I know that I’ve dealt with depression from my childhood until now and I don’t expect that to change in my older age. Once those few close to me are gone, I’ll have a hard time holding on…

So, Up or Down?…

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Painful Deliverance

I was in a deep hole. In my last post I had just began to climb my way out of the deep end. As we learned from The Big Chill there are few things better than a good rationalization. To sum up, mine was, “Who needs friends?”

It was starting to work… I hoped…

But then, something came along that ended my deep depression in one fell swoop.

A twelve day, skull splitting headache!

All I could think about was the pain!

I stopped thinking about my problems, my issues, my loneliness. I didn’t have a choice. “THROB… THROB… THROB…” I felt like Harrison Bergeron! with his earphones blaring claxons to elimate all cogent thoughts.

It worked. I worried that my tumor had returned. I didn’t worry about isolation and dispair. I didn’t worry about how others thought about me…

I didn’t worry about anything but about the pain! I couldn’t think through the pain. The pain was all that was in my mind… well that and the thoughts of the tumor returning,

Pain and anxiety overpowered my depression.

At least so far…

Recently, it occurs to me that my depression is like being bullied by my internal dialogue. When I get into a deep blue funk as I am now, I just can’t help obsessing on all sorts of negative thoughts. I’ll also analyse minor issues well beyond any point where it would be useful. A simple comment can set off days of over thinking it and usually with a conclusion that is very introverted and negative.

I often yell in my head, trying to tell my brain to just SHUT THE FUCK UP!

My brain rarely obeys for more than a brief period.

It doesn’t help that I have lots of time to think. My hours are long and my work monotonous. This leaves plenty of time for my internal monologue to beat up on my ego.

I give up!

Today, I had an epiphany.

About ten years ago, I accepted the idea that I may never have a romantice relationship again. I’d been alone for so long that the likelihood of a significant relationship was slim to fuck-all. Once I gave up on love, I relaxed and I started to enjoy myself.

Well, today I had another epiphany.

It’s time for me to give up friendship just as I gave up love.

Just as I never had a truly close romantic relationship, I’ve never had a really close friend. I’ve had friendly relationships with many folks, but I don’t believe I’ve ever had a REAL friend. I’ve had “Friends For Now”, or “Friends at this bar”, or People-I-See-Often, but I’ve never had anyone in my life that would go out of their way to be with me. LITERALLY.

 

This may seem overly sentimental, or dramatic, but it’s true. It’s been that way my entire life. I’ve always been peoples “friend when I’m there”, but once I’m out of sight, I’m out of thought. 

Even when I was a little kid, the only reason any of the other kids came to my house was because I had a big yard to play in.

I was too shy for a girlfriend, and I was too shy for any friends. 

So, now that I realize the obvious, I have to find a way to cope with it. If  past history is any indicator, I should maybe cheer up… maybe?

Acceptance is… oh, fuckit! I’ve got no friends, I’ve never had friends, why should I expect this to change.

I gave up on love, now it’s time to give up on friendship. Relax and enjoy this life and stop expecting otherwise!

[UPDATE] Two weeks later… So far, I think this was a wise choice. I believe I’m now crawling out of the pit I was in. I’m not nearly as self obsessed and dour. However, this week I can’t really guage well because I’ve had a rather annoying and disturbing headache…. for 6 days straight. Considering that it was a three day headache combined with crossed-eyedness that preluded my “tumor years”, this development is a bit distracting.

Maybe it’s me

I’ve dealt with depression on a personal level for more than thee decades in one form or another. Today, I was confronted with a deep personal flaw. I make others feel intellectually inferior. I don’t mean to, but apparently I do inadverntly. More importantly, I’ve been doing so for some time.

I’m an Asshole!

I don’t mean to be, but I have to consider that I can come across that way. This incident began with me playfully, (I thought) correcting someone’s spelling errors. Of course, this was online where my impish grin wasn’t visible and I didn’t use the proper emoticons. Nonetheless, I came across as if I was trying to show that I was smarter than the other person, condescending. That wasn’t my intention, of course, but that’s how it went.

I’m not sure this will be something I can easily remedy. After all this time, my personality is pretty much set. But I will have to keep it in mind that I can be a dick, even when I’m not trying to be.

Solitude…

How alone can one be?

Would it be better to be the last man on Earth or to be the loneliest man at the park that day?

You just passed him by. You didn’t even notice.

He’s been alone all his life, but surrounded by anonymous faces. Faces he’ll never see again. Your face is just another in the crowd. You look back, but he’s gone.

Is it lonelier to be at the edge of the world, on a distant outpost, in the Antarctic, alone for months, away from everyone you’ve known for ages, and you’ll be alone for months ahead… you have loved ones you miss, or next year you might start a family, but right now they are literally half a world away;

Or to be in a lively, international city; sitting at a popular bar; with loud music and happy people all around you; but no one can have a conversation… it’s too loud and it’s way too impersonal; and everyone is just yelling their political opinions at each other if they’re talking at all; and who the hell wants to talk to these assholes anyway?

Who is lonelier?

You know it’s neither.

It’s that poor fucker no one ever notices. He’s not the weird guy at the park. She’s not the one sitting in her apartment with her cats. He’s the one you don’t see. He’s invisible to you and me. We both looked passed him on our way to where ever the fuck we thought was important that day.